Hey internet babes! I'd like to finally adress the MAJOR gap in my posts. About three weeks ago now I was in the middle of writing about my experience using the monthly beauty box service, Ipsy. I got about halfway through before closing my laptop and falling asleep. I awoke to a horrific drowning sensation and pure exhaustion. Out of sheer adrenaline and fear, I was able to drag myself out of bed and grab my O2 SAT monitor to find my oxygen level frighteningly low at 85. I was then rushed to the hospital where I spent the next week in the ICU in a barely conscious state and unable to leave bed for anything, even the bathroom. Since then I've been trying everything in my power to truly get healthy, especially before college. The truth is I'm scared to get better. I'm scared to come back here when, inevitably, I do find my own body trying to drown itself AGAIN. I'm scared because college means a lot to me. I've never been able to truly find academic success with CF following my every move. I've always had a picture in my head of how great I would be when I was finally out living my life, following my passions, building up to a career perhaps. But this shit isn't turning off. If anything it's getting stronger and stronger and it's not going to stop just because I want to make a life for myself. CF isn't going to stop but neither is life. I'm just going to have to dig deep because the sun will always rise in the morning. I've spent days now trying to figure out how to write that feeling. That has also probably caused somewhat of a delay in posting. I do feel so much better being able to write again. The way I see it I have two options, I can just completely disappear into my own sadness, or I can smile about all the wonderful things and people and opportunities I do have, and I'm sure as hell not going to be miserable just to be miserable. I've never seen my mom this worried in my life and I'm beginning to think she is just scared for the sake of being scared. We can't change how things happened and we can't prevent them from coming in the future, so you just have to let go of the fear. My mom is the strongest woman I've ever met and seeing her let that fear control her over the past couple weeks has been really tough. The trouble is, the only thing I can do to help her is allow her to be scared until she can see that fear is no longer necessary. It's hard to have let her hurt like that, even for the greater good. Ok new topic I need to think about something happier. The last two weeks have made it clear to me what my passions are. Anything I can do to get even a second to focus my attention on something beauty related, I go out of my way for it. As soon as I get home I'm headed straight for that Ipsy bag with all my creative juices. I also discovered that since I've been blogging, writing has really captured a piece of my heart. I missed having the outlet it has provided me when it literally took all my energy just to watch Netflix. Thankfully, now I have my head back and I can actually get words on a page. I'm much less miserable now and I have to be honest the hospital isn't absolute hell when you have so many people that love you so much (pics below☺️). I've come up with so many ideas for the blog I can hardly remember them all so keep a lookout for some of those. The plan right now seems to be discharge early next week. Unless anything changes drastically this weekend, I think I've got a pretty good shot at that happening. Wish me luck world. XOXO
🌺 Maggie 🌺
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