I've done it again everyone. I've managed to land myself back in the hospital only two weeks after my last discharge. Fuck. This time the physical sensations have been what I assume it feels like to die. This will be my first hospitalization managed by the young adult CF team here at Children's Boston. That means that I've had to update just about every kind of test there is. CAT scan, ultrasound, echo, EKG, ya know, just the essentials. If I'm being honest, that isn't the part I hate most. I hate that I must have heard that dreaded "so what are you doing next year?" question at least 500 times since I've been here. I don't know why it bothers me so much, I have a perfectly acceptable plan for next year. I guess it's just that everything in here feels so repetitive already, I don't need to add a standard set of niceties and bull shit. I wake up everyday, stare at the same wall, watch the same things on Netflix, get PT at the same time every day, get my IV infusion at the same time every day. I just feel like I'm stuck in the same day sometimes. Plus I've had extra time alone with my thoughts since my boyfriend is away on his annual trip to Maine for the fourth of July. I'm glad he is having fun. All I want is for him to be happy and he has spent far too much time in this hospital the past few months. Sure, I miss him and it's lonely here, but to be honest I mostly just feel jealous. I want to be off enjoying my summer and having fun too. It's like one second I think I might be turning a corner and I'm going to be able to stay well, and the next I'm curled up sucking down air like a fish out of water.
“She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings.”
– Ariana Dancu
Hey mags - get strong and get out of that hospital. love You. If makeup were medicine, you would have CF beat 😉love seeing your creativity.
Hey Magster! Just getting caught up with your blog. I can just see you typing away on your (nana’s Hijacked) laptop amidst the forest of tubes, wires and machines, and nurses buzzing around. Ok so I won’t likely have a lot to say about the make up part, but will follow along on your journey through the blog. Love ya kiddo. Uncle Brad