Monday, June 29th

I know I will have to type this all up later, but recently all my best writing has happened with a notebook and pencil, so that is where I’m going to start with this. If you have already seen my video (which if you....), you know I’ve gone through a lot lately. I love writing for this blog, but writing for myself has been an enormous part of my healing and getting stronger through the shit storm that hit me recently. When I hit the wall and I had completely lost the person, I thought I was and the person I was trying to be, and the guy I was so stubbornly convinced was my forever love, I didn’t want to write. I felt like I had lost my greatest weapon, outlet, passion. I really didn’t want to do anything for that matter. I had hurt so many people I felt like I deserved to feel how I was feeling, like everyone in my life would be better off if I had never existed at all. Not that I wanted to disappear now because me disappearing now would just make everyone hurt so much more and truly fuck up what negligible amount of normalcy my family has left. I have done enough of that for a lifetime. I wished I had never existed to begin with. It was like being stuck. I didn’t want to exist, but I didn’t want to disappear. I just wanted to nail my bedroom door shut and never come out so I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. That’s when I started treatment at McLean Hospital. At the same time, I had become consumed by a toxic mind game with my now ex-boyfriend. He was trying to make me feel like now that I had lost it, no one else would ever love me like he did/does. That I barely deserved him even talking to me, let alone love me again. The scary part was I believed him for a second. I started to this whole side of him I never knew existed. It was mean and vicious and degrading, but I felt I deserved it. After all, it had been my breakdown that was the demise of us as a couple. In treatment, I started to see the woman I wanted to be in myself. I learned to accept that I am still growing and becoming her. That is why I decided that I would not allow anything to derail my progress in treatment, especially not an immature boy. That being said, soon enough I will share the story of my breakdown and what exactly happened and I expect to lose a lot of support because it was a disaster of my doing, but I wanted to move on from that and having a boyfriend that wanted to hold it against me would not help me move on from it. I broke it off. I would not play that game anymore. For me being in love means kindness, forgiveness, and it is unconditional, so I gave that to him but it became clear he wasn’t giving that back. His love was conditional and it was hinged on my mental health, so I never wanted to admit anything was wrong, I didn’t want to lose him. He struggled quite a lot with mental illness and because I loved him I was willing to stand by him and take care of him no matter what. I was never able to face the fact that I knew he was never going to be able to give back the same. But I deserve more. I deserve the same unconditional love back. I took his bullshit mind games until it just burned me out, and then I just kept taking it until I realized that whatever flame I had for him, it had just burned out. He had just burned it out. All of a sudden I just stopped caring if I fixed things between us, I didn’t even really want his forgiveness. He just wore me out till I didn’t care anymore. Once I cut him off I felt all the negativity just flow out of me. After the shock of him being truly gone wore off, I took out my notebook, and for the first time in weeks, I was writing again. I wrote him a few letters that he will never read, I feel that once I released it onto paper, it was just not bothering me anymore and I really didn’t care how he would feel about it so I sealed the letters in an envelope and I threw them away. I just bared my soul on paper, and I remembered why writing is such a major passion of mine. It felt like a massive amount of weight just fell off my body and all of a sudden I could stand up straight again. I could hold my head high and remember I am amazing and I had let his opinion mean so much when the truth is it really meant nothing at all. He is just another sad, immature boy and I knew in my heart I deserved more. Perhaps what I was viewing as a major fuck up in my life that caused me to lose the person I loved was actually exactly what I needed. Perhaps it wasn’t a fuck up at all. Now I am ready to share my words again. There are still so many unknowns for me but I honestly can’t wait to see what is next. This blog has seen me make countless fresh starts, but I see now that it is either a fresh start or give up. I am not one to give up. Each time it has been a new adventure and so now, I’m not scared of cleaning the slate anymore. Here’s to this adventure and many more. One thing fresh starts have always led me to is whatever next crazy, amazing, heartbreaking, eye-opening experience is next for me, and honestly, I can’t fucking wait for this one.