no, i'm NOt OKay...

Yes. You read that right. I'm so incredibly fucked up and confused and I can't seem to make the right decision or figure out the thoughts in my own fucking head and most days there is a part of my head where I'm crying so hard I'm drowning myself. And ya know what? It's fucking okay. Not only is it okay it's fucking great. I've never been less concerned with life's bullshit. All I do 24/7 is try to follow that part of my mind that knows exactly what I need to smile. Good or bad or a guilty pleasure or whatever. It doesn't matter. I've written and rewritten this post probably 5 times. Mainly because I didn't know what to say. How do you say you officially give no fucks without sounds crazy? More then that though, I didn't know how I was feeling. My life, along with many other Cystic Fibrosis patient's lives was recently monumentally changed by a surprise FDA approval on a drug called Trikafta. Trikafta has been one of the many "miracle drugs" being worked on behind closed doors by a bunch of insanely smart but incredibly slow scientists. You would think this would be amazing news, but all it did was confuse me. So I started the drug and immediately started coughing up a backlog of shit that has been stuck in my lungs for the last 19 years. That part was great. I can finally breathe a little. But with every disgusting hunk of green goo, it felt like losing a part of me. I used to know who I was and all of sudden it was like I had to go back and break all the rules and make all the mistakes I hadn't made yet because I had to figure myself out again. The worst part was, I couldn't find the words to explain the feeling. Hence my inability to post here. I decided the only way I was going to at least tell the story was to just say all these things in my head, even if they don't make much sense. I've spent the last month staying up till the early morning, even if all I'm doing is talking with a couple close friends, taking shots even if my liver is fucked, taking lots of naps, eating a fuck ton of sodium-filled food, listening to music so loud my head is ringing, dressing up sexy just to take slutty pictures in the mirror, and guess what? I've never smiled more or laughed harder or just genuinely enjoyed being alive. I always knew that when I let go, life gets richer, but it never felt this genuine until now. I seriously didn't think about CF at all except to make sure I took my trikafta. However, it didn't get me any closer to figuring out who I am now that CF might start to become less and less of a part of me. It's hard to get used to. One day I woke up and this huge part of me was changed forever. It's a good change, but I have never lived a day without being affected by CF in some capacity. The idea of that being gone completely is actually pretty scary. Don't get me wrong, the only reason why I was able to let go so hard and just not care is because of this "wonder drug." I was scared it wouldn't work, but it does, and I never thought about how I would feel if it did. I still don't know how all this is going to play out, but all I really have to say is I have no idea how I feel, but I know for a fact it's not okay. It will be, but for now shit is just not okay and it's messy and emotional and fuckin' weird, and that is totally okay.