I had originally planned to post something on my birthday but it looks like I just missed the cutoff and it's now officially the 17th. Much like I am now officially 19 years old. I'm hoping this year CF will step aside for a bit and allow me to focus on starting college. I think it took far too much of 18 away from me and I need to make up for some lost time. I'll warn you now, I'm very angry. Perhaps it's the steroids but I think the anti-psychotic they have me on to counteract the rage is covering that. It just hit me in the last week how much I've missed out on, even just this summer alone battling freakin' cystic fibrosis. I think this epiphany came partly due to the fact that after being released from the hospital (after nearly three weeks), I found myself headed to the emergency room two days later with a severe bowel obstruction. I was then admitted for another whole week. Usually, when I get overwhelmed by CF it manifests itself in deep sadness, often cured by a good cry and a hug, but this time it was/is pure rage. I am so angry. What worse? my family seems to be taking the brunt of it. That part really sucks because it's not their fault. Plus, they don't seem to understand that when I lash out at them over something small and stupid, the anger is not actually about that. Any excuse to yell or slam or insult, my CF rage is all over it lately. Granted, I was in a pretty intense amount of pain with the bowel obstruction and I wouldn't be surprised if it resulted in some extra anger. Now that I'm home I'm terrified to eat anything for fear of it getting stuck and causing an obstruction.
I took a break from writing and never came back. It's now Monday, August 19th. Anyway I do have a couple of updates since Saturday. I successfully made it up to New Hampshire and have been enjoying lake Winni for the first time all summer. I really wasn't sure if I would make it up this year or if my lake dreams would be thrown on the pile of shit CF took away from me this summer. Ya, if you couldn't tell the anger I mentioned above has not changed. I'm still bitter as hell but for the last few days I've been faking it and honestly I've been having a much happier time. At some point things stopped being fake and just melted away into genuine fun. That being said, when left alone with my thoughts the anger comes pouring back in again, and I'm actually ok with that for now. I deserve to be a little angry. I should be. Today I burned to a crisp in the sun and was literally doing a happy dance because for the first time in months I didn't get my vitamin D from a fucking supplement capsule. I got it from the real freakin' thing. THE SUN. I shouldn't be this excited about a sun burn. That is the part that pisses me off. Anyway, after a good weekend of soaking up sun and celebrating my nineteenth birthday, I felt ready to really dive in to my beauty routines and makeup looks again, in fact, I made a look the other day. I tried eyeshadow primer by Urban Decay for the first time and I have to say I thought it was a little thick. It also caused the shadow on one of my eyes to clump together kind of strangely. Here is some photos anyway:
Keep an eye out for new posts because between starting college and moving out I am going to need a lot of beauty breaks so I'll have plenty to write about. See ya soon!
🌺MAGGIE BABSON🌺
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