Hello my beautiful baddies! I'm back with yet another life update and let me tell you it's going to be a busy one. It's so therapeutic to come on here and just let it all out. I won't lie guys, right now even I am shocking myself with how well I'm balancing my insanely demanding life. By some miracle, I am successfully balancing four college courses, a strict IV infusion schedule, at least 15 different oral medications all with their own very specific set of guidelines, and physical therapy with nebulizers. Plus I'm on steroids which means I only get about an hour and a half of sleep a night and the other 11 and a half hours I'm up with enough energy to run a 5k and then hike Mount Everest. Somehow I'm getting this shit done. Not without some occasional moodiness but miraculously I haven't irreparably damaged a single relationship with a loved one. That alone is an achievement on a normal day but given these steroids have me getting pissed and screaming at inanimate objects I'd say my anger level is officially dangerously high for anyone who comes in contact with me. I can cause some serious psychological damage on this shit. The current target of my anger though is the liver team at childrens and fortunately enough for them we won't be crossing paths again till I'm off this shit. I have one massively giant ankle full of fluid and one perfectly fine and I am dangerously close to calling children's and psychologically fucking someone up. That being said, I've actually found myself looking back on a particular photo from one of my many hospital stays this summer and actually missing it~
This picture makes me cry happy tears. I won't go on forever about how much I love this guy, since I hate to be mushy like that, but really this picture is so powerful. As we know the cutie fast asleep in bed next to me is my boyfriend Jonathan. To me, this picture is what love is. Real true love like the kind Beyonće sings about. I was in the ICU that day in complete respiratory failure with a ventilator pushing air into my dysfunctional ass lungs and not once did he leave my side. I was so scared that day. I don't think CF has ever come that close to taking my life but he held me the whole time like that and It was like I couldn't feel anything but an overwhelming sense of safety. This week he's been struggling with some of his own demons and I feel so guilty for not being by his side through the pain like he was for me. I look at this picture and it all makes sense, I'm supposed to be the one who carries the pain. I spend so many hours wishing I could away everyone I love's pain because somehow that feels like my purpose. I take pain. I handle shit. I fight and survive. Everyone else in my life should be completely pain-free. That's not to say I wouldn't want them there by my side. They are all such amazing supporters. Perhaps that's why I wish I could take their pain for them. Sometimes it feels like grit is my only real asset in this world. I know how fucked up that sounds but it's true. Funny, I actually gave one of my professors the link to my blog today so I promised myself I would try not come off as complete shitshow of a person who communicates in almost nothing but a vast library of swear words in this post. But hey, this is who I am and I'm so proud of it because I've conquered so much and I definitely could not have stood up to even half of those issues if it wasn't for my creative ability with the use of the word fuck. For the first time in a really long time, I'm actually proud of myself. Nothing is perfect but I've finally accepted that. Even more than accepted it, I'm proud of it. Ya my infusions sometimes run late and I miss the first ten minutes of class but I got it done and that is pretty fucking incredible if you ask me. Plus I really haven't fallen super behind in any of my classes even after missing a week to get started on IV's. I'm finally starting to feel like a whole human, with many different aspects of life with all these little unique intricacies. I guess I mean almost whole because I am in stage 4 liver disease and my mom and I discussed possible live donor transplant.....so in that sense I'm still working with a broken part, but that broken part hasn't crapped out on me yet. I got this......I hope.
MAGGIE BABSON🌺
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